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Thursday, November 14, 2013

How Many Ways Can a Farm Wife Go Crazy?

I have an idea for a new television series about a farm wife.  It's an autobiography a work of fiction, but it might entertain a few viewers.  Here's a look at the different actual events scenarios our heroine will face:

1.  Being told by Mr. Farmer that Child 1 is tired of being the oldest and doing things first because her mom does a better job with Child 2 her younger sister...run at bottom of screen quote from famous psychologist about Top Ten Reasons Parents Feel Guilt ....cut to a conversation about birthday presents in the van on the way home from school.....Mom to Anyone Listening in the Van:  "So it has been brought to my attention that someone is tired of being first in everything....(Child 1 nodding in the back seat)....so since I tend to mess things up the first time I do them (Child 1 still nodding)......I think Child 2 will get a smartphone for her birthday to see how it all works before attempting this new thing with Child 1 and "screwing it up.'"  (Child 1 no longer nodding, eyes big, mouth about ready to open in a scream or wail.)

2.  Mysterious stomach issues occurring in Child 2:  Backstory:  Go to the doctor three times in the past two months, go through one x-ray showing "no room at the in" (or out as the case may be), 3 "procedures" FW has never done before to help C2 "eliminate" the problem in three days, second x-ray showing good progress, tummy aches still persist to the point that Child 2 does not want to get up in the morning.......cut to making yet another doctor appointment with Mr. Farmer taking child to said appointment.......Mr. Farmer is flustered because he had a lot to do on said day to get all the equipment ready for winter (combine, corn head, bean head, auger wagon,....), and he is working solo so FW is sympathetic to his situation (sort of kind of)...........cut to Farm Wife changing appointment to another day so she can take C2 to Dr.

3.  Next Day:  Farm Wife goes to Big Town to see other farm wives and friends!  She is so giddy that the I-65 the highway through Lebanon L City is completely without construction ...run data of how many years this particular stretch of road has been under construction for the last, oh, SIX years!.... that she buys herself a celebratory Peppermint Mocha Latte, Grande, Skinny, Extra Shot!  She is sooo proud of herself for saying her order correctly (Please do not write in telling her otherwise!) because she doesn't order this drink often that she totally misses the fact that traffic is suddenly backed up on the big highway, and semis behind, in front, and beside her are all veering right to the last exit before the back up.  Farm Wife manages to veer with them, running over just one piece of torn off tire tread, and makes it to the exit without spilling any precious coffee (In a freakish premonition, she is glad she ordered the extra espresso because of upcoming events)

4.  Farm Wife makes it to her meeting with friends only to be told by a very sympathetic and understand pal that she is about 24 hours early for said meeting.........(Sounds Effects:  Lots of internal bleeping after the initial shock wears off.  Director's choice of smoke coming from her head or floods of tears from her eyes) Wonderful pal, actually Gal in the Middle of our Farm Wife's chaos, takes time to sit down with her to solve puzzling phone/computer technical questions.  Blissful happiness for 5 minutes then have Magic Light Bulb appear over Farm Wife's head!

5. Farm Wife calls doctor's office to see if Child 2 can see him today as previously scheduled......YES!  at 11:15.....Farm Wife starts to think. She is 60+ miles away, and it is 9:55. FLASHBACK to figuring out 5th grade math story problem...Call to Mr. Farmer requesting he pick up C2 from school and meet FW at Dr's office where FW will take over C2's visit and Mr. Farmer can go back to his tool shed! Sound Effects: Raucous applause! Special Effect:  Fireworks going off!  He can do it!  11:05 FW pulls into parking lot right behind Mr. Farmer's truck! (More Applause!) C2 is now with FW and in Dr.'s office........Play music that sounds puzzling......no apparent reason for tummy ickies.......Trying a new med to see if it helps!

6.  Farm Wife safely back in her home town, going to pick up the new medicine at the wonderful small town pharmacy that has all sorts of great and adorable things.  Pharmacist tells Farm Wife to watch for sleepiness, dry throat, dry eyes, and....Insert DRAMTIC music......, possible constipation.....pan to FW whose face shows total shock and disbelief! A disbelieving "SERIOUSLY!" can be heard.  Show FW walking out of pharmacy still shaking head.. Next she picks up Child 1 from school and the door to C1's side will NOT open..... After watching FW try 10 different sequences of unlocking methods......INSERT high-pitched buzz of van warning system going off for the whole six miles back to the house with C1 sitting in the front seat......  Show her pulling up to the tool shed where Mr. Farmer comes out to see what is wrong.....He cannot figure it out....Child 1 has miraculous look on face and cries out "Hey, Maybe the gas tank thingy is open!"  Pan to FW and Mr. Farmer's faces of amazement as she  is right!  Then hear FW's inner voice muttering "Oh NOW she figures it out after the annoying ride of headache-producing whining of the alarm still is playing in my mind."

I don't know.....This whole idea probably won't work because no one would believe it could actually happen........

And 7.  (Just for kicks and giggles!) Farm Wife goes to get Grumpy Child 1 and take her to basketball practice, but with 15 minutes to get there and two more kids to pick up, she cannot find her keys....Insert more mental bleeping noises.... After two desperate minutes, she fishes the out the extra set from the bottom of her MaryPoppins-like bag, and makes it to school with three girls and one minute to spare.  Show ends with FW still looking for her ^&*$^#% keys......

Will she find them before she has to go back and pick the girls up?  Will she tell Mr. Farmer about this latest development?  Will C1 ever be happy again?  Stay tuned...if this show is picked up, there will be endless episodes from "This Is My Real Life and I Still Love Everyone in It!"


  1. Just wanted to let you all know that 1.) Mr. Farmer found my keys.
    2.) Child 2 woke up happy, but Child 1 who was grumpy went to be all icky cold symptomy and is staying with me today.
    3.) Child 2 is bringing two friends home today in celebration for her 9th birthday, and I have NO CLUE what kind of birthday delight will be served tonight.
    4.) Six loads of laundry are sitting on my floor.
    5.) The meeting I was supposed to be at today started 7 minutes ago without me! :-( Oh well, a mom has to do what a mom has to do!

  2. Ah, hoping things settle down.

    Hey, I'd watch that show. The mental noises would be a riot to watch/hear!



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